I want to write about something I don’t really want to say – but I think it’s important. I have been on summer break from uni since early May, generally, I find the summer break too long, and lacking in any structure or routine. This in itself allows for too much time to overthink things, and gradually lose interest in the things I am supposed to be doing. In the time I have off I thought to myself ‘great! I have so much time to myself to read for pleasure, do my course reading and start planning for my dissertation’. How wrong I was. I have spent all my time off trying to read and going round and round in circles wondering why I can’t sit down and just read a book. I think this could be just a ‘me’ thing, but I wanted to document this as the chances are it isn’t just me who feels this way.
I’m not sure whether it’s because I do so much reading for my degree, that now I just don’t want to read, research or think critically or whether I’ve fallen out of love with reading (I sincerely hope not). All I want to do is be productive and have a sense of control over what I’m doing when I do eventually go back to uni, but I’m sitting here writing this, bookshelf in front of me and it just terrifies me knowing I haven’t even made a dent in the reading list, nor do I have a clue what my primary texts are going to be for my dissertation. Knowing how important the coming academic year is, I feel as if I am losing control of what little organisation I do actually have in my life. But at the moment I don’t want to go anywhere near an academic journal article or book, and I don’t want to annotate my books. I’m assuming that all of this is totally normal but can’t help wondering whether I am procrastinating because I know I have all this time on my hands? Am I just lazy? Do I not really care about my degree? Or am I just not as passionate as everyone else on my course? And of course, in a social media filled world, it’s very easy to believe that everyone’s got their shit together when you haven’t. I know that these questions are doubts that will fizzle away come September and that I haven’t lost my ability to read a book, it just feels that way and I can’t wait for my motivation to come back to me – because it will, eventually. I just wanted to write this in case anyone else feels the same.
This is such a rambling blog post and probably waaay too self-indulgent to be published on the internet but sometimes these things just need to be written down, and even if only one person reads it and relates then it has served its purpose.
P.S – if you read this whole thing then seriously well done (I’m so boring lol)